I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
