My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
