Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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