I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
