I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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