Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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