My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
