This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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