apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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