You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
