Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
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definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!