Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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