I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This is classic penis vs brain.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
