Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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