guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
