I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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