I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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