I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
and she was petting her beer can
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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