a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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