She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
