Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
