I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
