oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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