Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
