I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
