We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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