I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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