nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
