I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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