Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
