you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
