Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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