Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
