I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
