You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
