OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
