I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
