Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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