I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
