So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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