I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
