I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
