Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
