Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
