I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
