I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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