I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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