dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
