So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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