I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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