Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
