Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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