If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
