If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
