I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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