Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
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just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
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I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist