I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop