oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
